Ebb and Flow

Ebb and Flow. Our lives advance and recede like the ocean tides.

Right now, I feel like my submissive mindset is in a state of “ebb.” It’s not my desire to be submissive. That’s still there as much as ever. I don’t think it’s my submissive-ness. As far as I can tell, I’ve been just as obedient.

It’s that submissive “high.” Or maybe it’s more of a “low.” That feeling of voluntarily lowering myself beneath Master. Knowing that my place is at His feet.

I think all the stress of our life right now must be a contributing factor. Master has the weight of the world on His shoulders. My instinct is to sync myself with Him, but I know it’s not helpful for us both to stressed.

So I emotionally separate myself. And that’s fine. . . I know how to be my own distinct person. That doesn’t mean it feels right though. Being His submissive, His slave, resonates so deeply inside me. We’re supposed to be in sync.

It feels like constantly having to be on guard. I can’t just relax into Him– not completely. Master is human afterall, with human limitations. Just a reminder that my identity and who I am cannot be defined by my relationship or my slavehood. Only God can be that anchor point.

I know this is just temporary. High tide and low tide come twice a day. We’ll settle deep into our respective Dominance and submission once again.

Until the tide turns, I’ll consciously cling to my submission until it once again feel as natural as breathing.

Finding Room for Improvement

I love the self improvement aspect of power exchange. Most of Master’s tasks are centered around maintaining healthy habits. And for the most part, they’ve been surprisingly easy to implement. Yay! I almost thought I must be an abnormally well behaved submissive. (Almost. Haha!) The craziness of this past week, has pointed out that I have farther to go than I thought.

I had an extra project to do for my business. Obviously, I should have started it sooner. The housekeeping and laundry was backing up. I was forgetting to drink my water. That led to my first “real” swat, actually.

It was a lot less notable then I would have thought, to be honest. In any case, His consistency and the accountability He was giving me kept me grounded when I was feeling a bit frantic.

Now that I’m aware of my room for growth, I guess we’ll see how I course correct in the future.

 

A Day in My Life

Submissive Guide had a new post in the A Day in the Life series this past week. It inspired me to take a snapshot of what my submission looks like right now. As it is ever evolving, it will be interesting to look back at this as time goes on!

Assuming our kids (who still aren’t sleeping through the night) cooperate, my day starts at 6:00 am. We practice the Fertility Awareness Method for our birth control, so I have to take my temperature every morning when I wake up– my first task from Master. That also means that I check my cervical fluid throughout the day and maintain a chart on my phone.

Then I try to get a little more sleep, but soon Master needs to get ready for work, so I try to greet him with “Good Morning, Master,” to start off our day.

My alarm goes off again at 7:00. This time for my yoga workout– my second task of the day.

Hopefully the kids are still asleep when my workout is done. If they are, I’ll have my daily prayer and Bible study time.

Whenever they do wake up, I fix them breakfast. Then we’ll get ready for the day. Another one of my tasks is to lotion up every day, so I’ll do that before getting dressed.

From there I’ll probably get started on chores– straightening the bedroom or starting some laundry, maybe. I like to listen to podcasts while I work. Erotic Awakening is one of my favorites.

At some point in the morning, I’ll try to do a little schoolwork with our preschooler– unfortunately, the task I’m least consistent on currently.

When 11:00 or 12:00 rolls around, I’ll fix some lunch for me and the kiddos. I might text Master that I love and miss Him. I should also be about half way through with my eight glasses of water for the day– another of my tasks.

The little one tends to be ready for a nap at this point. When she’s tired, she’ll take me by the hand to her bedroom and I’ll nurse her to sleep. I’ll catch up on my favorite blogs and maybe do a little online collar shopping as she’s drifting off.

She normally takes a pretty good nap, so I can finish up whatever chores I had started, and maybe do a little work for my direct sales business. Depending on the time, I might do a little journaling as well.

Soon it will be dinner time. Sometimes I’ll cook, or sometimes my mother-in-law will. In any case, hopefully Master will be home from work in time to join us.

After dinner it’s mostly family time. We might pull up some Star Trek on Netflix, and Master usually asks for a massage. Otherwise, I’ll sit at His feet watching the show and probably playing on my phone too. If I’m lucky, the living room will empty for a minute or two and He’ll pet my head! (It’s not a big part of my personality, but I do feel a bit like a kitty from time to time.)

About 8:00 or so, we’ll start getting the girls ready for bed. I’ll nurse the littlest one to sleep and Master will read a bedtime story.

After that, we’ll usually retreat to our bedroom. After Master asks for another massage (He sure does love His massages!), we start spooning under the covers. Spooning tends to lead to forking, but eventually we’ll settle back into spooning. I’ll turn off the light and end the day with, “Good night, Master.”

Limits and Safe Words within Radical Submission

I have done quite a lot of research in the past couple of months, but there are some things you just can’t find answers to online. Ultimately, you have to define things for yourself and discover who you are and what that means.

A couple of weeks into my own journey, I journaled what felt right for me as a starting point for discussion with Master.

I defined a slave as someone who: commits in advance to consistent obedience; surrenders rights and privileges to Master/Owner; Owned by Master to do with as He sees fit; As a Christian who was bought with a price, follows husband’s spiritual leadership to submit to God first in matters of moral conviction.

There’s a lot of my faith and philosophy in that definition.

I believe that my ultimate Master is God Himself. I MUST have hard limits with my earthly Master because I answer to a higher authority.

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

That being said, I also recognize that my Husband also submits to God. In the majority of cases, my submission to Him is an extension of my submission to God.

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

1 Corinthians 11:3

I love how Christ’s relationship to the Father is included there. It shows that marriage is a symbol of Divine submission. A wife’s submission is the choice of an equal. A voluntary humility that is comes from a place of strength.

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Philippians 2:5-8

Man, that is powerful stuff right there!

But back to my point. My Husband’s place in the hierarchy is not to be my go-between to God, but to be my primary Spiritual advisor– even above my pastor. His beliefs are second only to Scripture itself.

My hard limits (adultery, beastiality, porn, etc.) are dictated by the Bible. My interpretation is heavily influenced by Master. Since He won’t act contrary to His own beliefs, I can be fairly confident that He won’t cross mine.

We do have safe words. Some people say it gives the s-type all the power, but I see it as a method of communication and transparency. How can Master make educated decisions without all the information? That being said. . . I’m not much of a masochist, and Master isn’t a sadist, so we haven’t had much occasion to to use them yet.

Of course, safe words are only as trustworthy as your partner. I am very fortunate that, while my calling is to radical submission, my Husband’s calling is to radical love.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, . . .  So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;  for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.

Ephesians 5:25;28-30

I feel like I’m at a huge advantage to explore the lifestyle with someone I trust so deeply. I’m sure I would use limits and safe words much more liberally if my relationship was with someone new or someone who didn’t share my values so closely.

I love seeing Scripture intertwining to tightly with how I choose to live my life. I can only submit as far as my convictions will allow. Those convictions, however, are formed with my Husband’s beliefs in mind. While I am making myself very vulnerable, I trust that He is under submission to God to love me radically. In the end, I am submitting to God, that His Word and His power in our lives is sure.

Submissive as a Noun

My epiphany came on my fifth anniversary. What a perfect time to begin a new chapter in our marriage! Lying in bed after some glorious afternoon delight with my Husband, I decided to Google a question about orgasm. Although it didn’t answer my original question, one of the top hits was a post about orgasm control on the Submissive Guide website.

I read that article, and another, and another, and another!

I couldn’t believe it! The way I felt toward my husband and marriage, all the things I had asked for over the years– it was actually a thing! It had a name- Submission.

Now as a conservative Christian woman, I knew submission. I was significantly farther along than most beginners to the lifestyle. It’s a key component of a complementarian marriage. But as much as I had heard throughout my life, everyone basically stops at Submission 101- why you should submit to your husband.  Always with the loud disclaimer of when you didn’t need to submit.

I found “home” in the most unlikely of places- BDSM. Here people were going beyond the bare minimum. Here the emphasis was on deepening your submission and actively seeking a submissive mindset. Here submission wasn’t just an adjective describing behavior, it was a noun embracing a part of who I was as a person.

All of a sudden, 1 Peter 3:1-6 made perfect sense! Sarah’s example wasn’t an exception or a fringe behavior. It was something I could live.

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

Now. . . to tell my Husband about my discovery. I had no fear that He would shame or belittle my desires, but would He really take them seriously? I had asked for things along these lines in the past. He never seemed into it. I had used this exact passage as a reason to say, “Yes, Sir,” when He asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. He just thought I was being sarcastic and disrespectful!

Now that I knew I wasn’t alone, it would be a lot harder to ignore my radically submissive side.

So, I told Him. In the van. On the way to the movie portion of our anniversary date. It’s always easier to bare your soul when you don’t have to look right at each other and other person has no where else to go!

I asked if we could explore this whole Domination/submission thing. Try it on for size and see how it fit. Thankfully, He said yes.

That was almost two months ago. Since it was something that resonates so deeply with me, I’ve dived in head first. Master (as I call Him now whenever I have the chance) counterbalances me by taking His time and gradually easing our Master/slave (See, I told you I dived in!) relationship forward.

As of now, Master’s dominance usually takes the form of nightly massages. “Master” no longer sounds foreign to His ears. I always worry that my enthusiasm is what’s driving our relationship, but He reassures me that He likes this as well, and He hopes this is a permanent part of our relationship. As of the last few days, He’s started to call me slave on a regular basis (when we’re alone). He’s owning His dominance, and that makes me so excited!

So, here I am. Blogging about our journey. Exploring my submissive hardwiring, and, most importantly, how it relates to my faith.