Limits and Safe Words within Radical Submission

I have done quite a lot of research in the past couple of months, but there are some things you just can’t find answers to online. Ultimately, you have to define things for yourself and discover who you are and what that means.

A couple of weeks into my own journey, I journaled what felt right for me as a starting point for discussion with Master.

I defined a slave as someone who: commits in advance to consistent obedience; surrenders rights and privileges to Master/Owner; Owned by Master to do with as He sees fit; As a Christian who was bought with a price, follows husband’s spiritual leadership to submit to God first in matters of moral conviction.

There’s a lot of my faith and philosophy in that definition.

I believe that my ultimate Master is God Himself. I MUST have hard limits with my earthly Master because I answer to a higher authority.

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

That being said, I also recognize that my Husband also submits to God. In the majority of cases, my submission to Him is an extension of my submission to God.

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

1 Corinthians 11:3

I love how Christ’s relationship to the Father is included there. It shows that marriage is a symbol of Divine submission. A wife’s submission is the choice of an equal. A voluntary humility that is comes from a place of strength.

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Philippians 2:5-8

Man, that is powerful stuff right there!

But back to my point. My Husband’s place in the hierarchy is not to be my go-between to God, but to be my primary Spiritual advisor– even above my pastor. His beliefs are second only to Scripture itself.

My hard limits (adultery, beastiality, porn, etc.) are dictated by the Bible. My interpretation is heavily influenced by Master. Since He won’t act contrary to His own beliefs, I can be fairly confident that He won’t cross mine.

We do have safe words. Some people say it gives the s-type all the power, but I see it as a method of communication and transparency. How can Master make educated decisions without all the information? That being said. . . I’m not much of a masochist, and Master isn’t a sadist, so we haven’t had much occasion to to use them yet.

Of course, safe words are only as trustworthy as your partner. I am very fortunate that, while my calling is to radical submission, my Husband’s calling is to radical love.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, . . .  So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;  for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.

Ephesians 5:25;28-30

I feel like I’m at a huge advantage to explore the lifestyle with someone I trust so deeply. I’m sure I would use limits and safe words much more liberally if my relationship was with someone new or someone who didn’t share my values so closely.

I love seeing Scripture intertwining to tightly with how I choose to live my life. I can only submit as far as my convictions will allow. Those convictions, however, are formed with my Husband’s beliefs in mind. While I am making myself very vulnerable, I trust that He is under submission to God to love me radically. In the end, I am submitting to God, that His Word and His power in our lives is sure.

Submissive as a Noun

My epiphany came on my fifth anniversary. What a perfect time to begin a new chapter in our marriage! Lying in bed after some glorious afternoon delight with my Husband, I decided to Google a question about orgasm. Although it didn’t answer my original question, one of the top hits was a post about orgasm control on the Submissive Guide website.

I read that article, and another, and another, and another!

I couldn’t believe it! The way I felt toward my husband and marriage, all the things I had asked for over the years– it was actually a thing! It had a name- Submission.

Now as a conservative Christian woman, I knew submission. I was significantly farther along than most beginners to the lifestyle. It’s a key component of a complementarian marriage. But as much as I had heard throughout my life, everyone basically stops at Submission 101- why you should submit to your husband.  Always with the loud disclaimer of when you didn’t need to submit.

I found “home” in the most unlikely of places- BDSM. Here people were going beyond the bare minimum. Here the emphasis was on deepening your submission and actively seeking a submissive mindset. Here submission wasn’t just an adjective describing behavior, it was a noun embracing a part of who I was as a person.

All of a sudden, 1 Peter 3:1-6 made perfect sense! Sarah’s example wasn’t an exception or a fringe behavior. It was something I could live.

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

Now. . . to tell my Husband about my discovery. I had no fear that He would shame or belittle my desires, but would He really take them seriously? I had asked for things along these lines in the past. He never seemed into it. I had used this exact passage as a reason to say, “Yes, Sir,” when He asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. He just thought I was being sarcastic and disrespectful!

Now that I knew I wasn’t alone, it would be a lot harder to ignore my radically submissive side.

So, I told Him. In the van. On the way to the movie portion of our anniversary date. It’s always easier to bare your soul when you don’t have to look right at each other and other person has no where else to go!

I asked if we could explore this whole Domination/submission thing. Try it on for size and see how it fit. Thankfully, He said yes.

That was almost two months ago. Since it was something that resonates so deeply with me, I’ve dived in head first. Master (as I call Him now whenever I have the chance) counterbalances me by taking His time and gradually easing our Master/slave (See, I told you I dived in!) relationship forward.

As of now, Master’s dominance usually takes the form of nightly massages. “Master” no longer sounds foreign to His ears. I always worry that my enthusiasm is what’s driving our relationship, but He reassures me that He likes this as well, and He hopes this is a permanent part of our relationship. As of the last few days, He’s started to call me slave on a regular basis (when we’re alone). He’s owning His dominance, and that makes me so excited!

So, here I am. Blogging about our journey. Exploring my submissive hardwiring, and, most importantly, how it relates to my faith.