My epiphany came on my fifth anniversary. What a perfect time to begin a new chapter in our marriage! Lying in bed after some glorious afternoon delight with my Husband, I decided to Google a question about orgasm. Although it didn’t answer my original question, one of the top hits was a post about orgasm control on the Submissive Guide website.
I read that article, and another, and another, and another!
I couldn’t believe it! The way I felt toward my husband and marriage, all the things I had asked for over the years– it was actually a thing! It had a name- Submission.
Now as a conservative Christian woman, I knew submission. I was significantly farther along than most beginners to the lifestyle. It’s a key component of a complementarian marriage. But as much as I had heard throughout my life, everyone basically stops at Submission 101- why you should submit to your husband. Always with the loud disclaimer of when you didn’t need to submit.
I found “home” in the most unlikely of places- BDSM. Here people were going beyond the bare minimum. Here the emphasis was on deepening your submission and actively seeking a submissive mindset. Here submission wasn’t just an adjective describing behavior, it was a noun embracing a part of who I was as a person.
All of a sudden, 1 Peter 3:1-6 made perfect sense! Sarah’s example wasn’t an exception or a fringe behavior. It was something I could live.
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
Now. . . to tell my Husband about my discovery. I had no fear that He would shame or belittle my desires, but would He really take them seriously? I had asked for things along these lines in the past. He never seemed into it. I had used this exact passage as a reason to say, “Yes, Sir,” when He asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. He just thought I was being sarcastic and disrespectful!
Now that I knew I wasn’t alone, it would be a lot harder to ignore my radically submissive side.
So, I told Him. In the van. On the way to the movie portion of our anniversary date. It’s always easier to bare your soul when you don’t have to look right at each other and other person has no where else to go!
I asked if we could explore this whole Domination/submission thing. Try it on for size and see how it fit. Thankfully, He said yes.
That was almost two months ago. Since it was something that resonates so deeply with me, I’ve dived in head first. Master (as I call Him now whenever I have the chance) counterbalances me by taking His time and gradually easing our Master/slave (See, I told you I dived in!) relationship forward.
As of now, Master’s dominance usually takes the form of nightly massages. “Master” no longer sounds foreign to His ears. I always worry that my enthusiasm is what’s driving our relationship, but He reassures me that He likes this as well, and He hopes this is a permanent part of our relationship. As of the last few days, He’s started to call me slave on a regular basis (when we’re alone). He’s owning His dominance, and that makes me so excited!
So, here I am. Blogging about our journey. Exploring my submissive hardwiring, and, most importantly, how it relates to my faith.